the rabbit hole i fall down at 3.07am

by Letty Butler

What if we’d gone to therapy and seen a calm woman called Charlotte, who listened instead of talked. And we showed her our secrets like a pocket full of worms. What if we’d been brave enough to tell her we felt like siblings and sex felt incestuous but that we loved each other more than anyone else on the planet. And she told us there were ways through it.

What if we’d managed to trace it back to the snag that tore into our happiness like teeth on tights,and discovered that the blame belonged to neither of us. And you’d had the courage to say my depression was an unbearable burden that you somehow bore, despite grappling with your own feelings of despair, feelings you hid from me like sordid pornos. And what if I’d had the courage to squeeze your hand.

What if we’d climbed aboard Charlotte’s ship and sailed back to the early days of shirt-tearing and button-popping. And found ourselves on the doorstep, so consumed by wanting we fucked right there, and afterwards we devoured toast and jam like ravenous beasts, deliciously stunned by our renewed hunger, and remembered that we could be lovers as well as best friends.

What if instead of ripping our lives apart, you got down on one knee and I said yes, and we invited everyone to that little church in Barnes to throw rice and raise flutes. And we had a baby called Pearl, who we liked so much we made more astonishing, tiny people and became proper parents who showed their children how to love.

What if every time the boat rocked, we knocked on Charlotte’s door and she appeared with a compass.

Maybe then I would sleep at night.

About the Author

.